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GIRLS SOFTBALL COACH A MOMADUKE

By Tom Burlandy
WRITER
After years of rumors, coach Shela "Meat" Muskratface said in a news conference yesterday that she was in fact, a Momaduke. Dr. Floorstaine Wingold, the Family's physician that brought Ms. Muskratface into the world said he was glad she finally came out of the closet. Dr. Wingold confessed "It's been hard for Shela through the years you know with her giant hairy breasts and all." Pea High Principal Don Noseroot said Ms. Muskratface's position as coach will not change. "Everybody knew she was a Momaduke anyway, she was born a Momaduke and nothing can change that."

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INSANE OLYMPICS UPROAR OVER BIG MAN BIG DADDY CONTEST IN WAKE OF OWL BURNING REGULATIONS

If the Insane Olympic Committee doesn't have enough trouble with the all time favorite Big Man - Big Daddy Contest, new owl burning regulations can only make matters worse. The Big Man Big Daddy Contest has for some time drawn political pressure due to the urinating while target shooting leg of the event. The contest of course begins as a fifty yard dash to the Pea Civic swimming pool, a 20 yard swim to the Olympic Beach where contestants roll in sand, dawn a 3 piece after dinner suite, and run one mile to the Insane Olympic Shooting Range where they fire 3 rifle shots at a 30 yard target while urinating in an aluminum pie plate held in their left hand.

Since the event began 16 years ago, the lucky few insane to reach the urinating while shooting stage of the contest were residents of Tarhole or Dogbite - areas where owl burning is a major income. As we all know, owl burning has increased to the point that county commissioners are considering a 1 year ban on public owl burning and a 3 year moratorium on new commercial owl burning licenses. The later ruling being most hurtful to the insane Tarhole and Dog Bite commercial owl burners that have commanded the urinating while shooting leg of the Insane Olympics.

Mr. Lambmower Cake Smell, winner of last years event summed it up in protest, "The whole event has been tainted. It's not easy for the insane to fire a rifle while urinating in a pie plate held in their left hand, now they must compete while dwelling on the amount of owls they can burn next year."

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2 MI. THEN A LEFT, BY THE HILL OF FUR IN TONGUE MEAT


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