SELTZER TO RUN
By William Sheepboot, Jr.
Hembrain Seltzer announced his run for candidacy in this year's mayoral
race. He is the only candidate this year who is insane due to syphilis. He has changed his
campaign slogan from the previous year's "Bring me your shoes and our skin will stop
screaming" to a more catchy "When the pavement germs dance, my name is
Roy". Mr. Seltzer said if he is elected he will change his cloths and mail water to
anyone in the world who is thirsty. Although unsubstantiated, Joyce Ann Padwing, newcomer
to the mayoral contest, claims she is insane due to a childhood brain injury that occurred
when a mobile home fell on her head. Mr. Tub Nerber will run "As Insane" but not
due to syphilis.
SEET SNIFF TO BREAK GROUND
By John Hassrot
BIG 6 weatherman Seet Sniff will do the honors at the ground breaking
ceremony for the Pea City Civic Center on the 24th. Seet will be among numerous
dignitaries, town officials and BIG 6 sports reporter "Scratch" Hair. The
Scratch Hair-Seet Sniff Team represents the BIG 6 audience and sponsors who endorse the
new civic center.
TINY BIG BALL GROWING IN HAIRSKIN
By Nick Fury
There are now 5 Tiny Big Ball teams in Hairskin, where the game
originated more than 96 years ago. The sport has also gained popularity in String which
has 3 teams this year and there's talk of teams being formed in Fish and Pea City.
"When we changed the Tiny Ball, which is used to injure the opposing team, from a
solid steel to a light and safer billiard ball, the sport just took off" said Couch
Strap of the Hairskin Wounds. The big ball, which is used to score, remains the regulation
40lb sand filled beach ball covered in lard. This year no pointy sticks can be used and
each team may have only one tiny ball in play at any time. "This rule change should
cut down on quite a few head injuries" said Coach Strap. The first game of the Season
starts next month when the Hairskin Stitches meet the Mighty Gauze Men of String.
THE CHURCH OF HIDEOUS SHAME will hold a
revival Wednesday from 6:00 till 10:00 on the church grounds.
LOONS CLUB YARD SALE Saturday 6:00am in the Loon Hall parking lot.
TONGUE MEAT CARVERS GUILD meets Wednesday at the home of Roy Dirt
in Tongue Meat.
THE ERGOT GROWERS CLUB will meet again in Ms. Allen Brains yard