SHELTON BUNKY HONORED

The Tri Town Loons will honor Mr. Shelton Bunky 8:00pm this Wednesday at the Loon Hall on HWY 3. Mr. Bunky has had more heart attacks than any other Loon in the history of the organization.

By Jane Padwing
STAFF REPORTER
County commissioners will meet with executives of Damn Big Mart sometime this month said board chairman Nicky Lip. A proposed site for the Damn Big Mart will be discussed said Mr. Lip.

By William Sheepboot, Jr.
STAFF WRITER
Hembrain Seltzer announced his run for candidacy in this year's mayoral race. He is the only candidate this year who is insane due to syphilis. He has changed his campaign slogan from the previous year's "Bring me your shoes and our skin will stop screaming" to a more catchy "When the pavement germs dance, my name is Roy". Mr. Seltzer said if he is elected he will change his cloths and mail water to anyone in the world who is thirsty. Although unsubstantiated, Joyce Ann Padwing, newcomer to the mayoral contest, claims she is insane due to a childhood brain injury that occurred when a mobile home fell on her head. Mr. Tub Nerber will run "As Insane" but not due to syphilis.

By John Hassrot
STAFF REPORTER
BIG 6 weatherman Seet Sniff will do the honors at the ground breaking ceremony for the Pea City Civic Center on the 24th. Seet will be among numerous dignitaries, town officials and BIG 6 sports reporter "Scratch" Hair. The Scratch Hair-Seet Sniff Team represents the BIG 6 audience and sponsors who endorse the new civic center.

By Nick Fury
SPORTS REPORTER
There are now 5 Tiny Big Ball teams in Hairskin, where the game originated more than 96 years ago. The sport has also gained popularity in String which has 3 teams this year and there's talk of teams being formed in Fish and Pea City. "When we changed the Tiny Ball, which is used to injure the opposing team, from a solid steel to a light and safer billiard ball, the sport just took off" said Couch Strap of the Hairskin Wounds. The big ball, which is used to score, remains the regulation 40lb sand filled beach ball covered in lard. This year no pointy sticks can be used and each team may have only one tiny ball in play at any time. "This rule change should cut down on quite a few head injuries" said Coach Strap. The first game of the Season starts next month when the Hairskin Stitches meet the Mighty Gauze Men of String.

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